Well, end of 2015 i discovered yoga. Or should I say I discovered the benefits of it. After years of hopping around classes, changing teachers (and even having private tuition) i just never ‘got it’ Sure thing being cranked in a pose for 10 seconds and told to count to 10 inhale exhale for 5 breaths has some benefits but it just wasn’t doing it for me. I would leave the class feeling a tad more flexible and relaxed but just felt like i was missing the whole point. Even the more challenging poses – yes challenging physically , but nothing mentally / emotionally going on. I had this inner yearning for Yoga and constantly Yoga would just keep coming to me in my dreams literally almost a calling. As Yoga became ‘fashionable’ i watched how various Yoga students would take up the practice, i never knew if they were doing it for the ‘trend’ or doing it for fitness or doing it because it ‘really’ was helping them some shape or form or if yoga had really changed their life.
My friend Delphine said maybe you should self-learn / teach yourself? I thought about it and worked on a few poses myself from 2014, but with my very hectic lifestyle and juggling a family of 5 of us , my fitness training and small home business i didn’t think that adding Yoga in would work properly. Again i didnt want or expect Yoga be a chore.
But I did give that a go, again working on the physical but nothing working for me on the ‘inside’. So I needed someone to have time for me, teach me the philosophy, someone who when spoke about yoga who I truly resonated with.
I needed to “fix Myself”… time for me
So I remember when i took the plunge and emailed Ragini i asked her
‘’can you please help me get my zen back? ” – I got it back bigger and better.
I chose Ragini as I had seen from a distance her transition take place and seen how she evolved spiritually and had traveled to India for her studies, yoga and meditations, when we have chatted before over the years I always loved her ethics and values. So I knew she was the one.
Yoga has helped me find peace with my body. (although this is an on going process, once you reach the goal post it moves again. ) Yoga is about me. My authentic self. It’s also taught me to be strong and to really love myself. Accepting myself for who i am, including the mistakes i make or have made. And the constant battles i have with myself about other things.
We have all have hurt, suffered loss, bereavement and even broken hearts. This impacts our life differently, we all deal with life challenges and upset differently, life doesn’t always go the way we planned. Everyone deals with pain differently, for some sharing it is release, sharing with strangers their stories, lifes heart aches and hearing others reassurance that you will be fine. Some suffer depression, some live in self pity as the pain never releases. (For me its all released on the mat. More later)
For me personally, losing people I’ve loved caused my heart chakra to suffer and almost un-emotional with the pain. We lose elders of disease through old age, although to be expected still doesn’t make it less painful, that person is someone we love/ loved very much. Losing a best friend tragically and instantly is a different type of pain (not more not less, but a different type). Swapping fun messages as your friend is off for a night out, not realizing that will be the last message you will ever receive from her. This is what happened to me, she was gone- pain unbearable and i imagine the rest of her family and friends too. I had a relapse of Anorexia, nothing i could control, i couldnt bring her back but i could control what went in my mouth. The emotions we go through losing someone we loved can never be compared to others. We all have experienced the pain. I never in my life took a prescription ‘happy pill’, sometimes i look back and think why didnt i? I have no idea why i didnt? . I just didnt and haven’t. Maybe as i have never suffered depression? Ive been sad… but i have never been in a dark place….I am not against prescription ‘happy pills’ as i call them, i am all for them if it makes someone feel better and i know they can save lives.
Over the years i have personally had and studied hundreds of therapies, healings, counseling, hypnotherapy, and so many more to help me with the emotional pain. I have enrolled and completed so many courses, workshops, study and so on, too many to mention. I worked as a fully qualified life coach for 7 years and as a holistic therapist, i was always great at helping others!
For me Crystals and meditations were and still are the most effective and i will always use them as a tool but nothing fully could really crack me....
Enter yoga or should i say enter Yoga with Ragini. Yoga found me lets say ‘properly’ when after my 3rd baby my anxiety levels increased, i started worrying about things not even i thought i could worry about. I became very close to agoraphobia (still working on this) and i lost all my self confidence. I stopped looking people in the eye when i spoke, i felt foggy, my mind was foggy, i was un grounded. Anxious. Happy and blessed with an amazing husband and 3 gorgeous girls , it didn’t stop me feeling like I almost lost my sense of identity. Looking back at the symptoms it could have been a slight anti natal depression, who knows? - having the 2 babies so close together could have been the cause, my physical and emotional state not recovering properly after having 2 c- sections in 12 months, which is major surgery. Then the colic baby, the lack of sleep and the list goes on.
Like i mentioned before , for some, Yoga is a form of exercise or to see how far you can push yourself to bend , (however i personally i see this as the ego at work.) For others Yoga can ease the stress abit, and just make you feel good, all these reasons for doing Yoga are acceptable and great, each individual has a personal journey with yoga. How i felt after my very first session with Ragini was magical. I couldnt bend, i felt like a block of wood as i felt like every part of my body was paralyzed. I cried and laughed. Emotions came up, memories i had that i even had forgot and tears shed.
The time on the mat was/is the time i felt the most impact of losing those people so close to me. The more i moved, the more i removed the amour and accept the pain of what had happened. I was confronting it layer by layer. Instead of just always being busy, trying to ‘fix me’ and wondering what else might work. It was just me and my mat, and the soft gentle voice of Ragini.
So, I just let myself feel on the mat. So yes my first Yoga session i had a huge life changing shift, some people it can take a couple of years even before they feel any type of shift, and thats totally acceptable and great but for me it was instant. The grief, heart break, was all just stagnant and stuck in my body. Every hidden pain, stuffed emotions, self secrets, and unresolved pain took up residence in my body. And looking back I don’t think I could have ever been ‘talked’ into a way of healing.
The more i practice the more i understand is that Yoga is a deliberate disruption to every single level, it has taught me to disorient the body into a safe place or space so i can teach myself how to deal with any negatives or challenges that may arrive. To ride the waves. It creates space. Less is more.
The poses of upside down inside out give me a clearer and different perspective of the world. By continuous practice i am learning to cope with everyday stress and chaos in todays world.
As well as the significant healing i feel after each practice i also feel the effects daily i also had more awakening, rather than just being ‘well read’, i feel content with my authenticity and purity and see the changes i am naturally making to every day life.
Yoga taught me so much just one thing is to listen to the breath and to quiet my mind. These days all those social media platforms, inspiring photos and materialistic needs can make you feel overwhelmed. Quiet the mind & switch off – literally. Reap the benefits. Yoga can help with that.
Every practice, i deal with something else, i feel something else. I really cannot explain it, i guess everyones experience with Yoga is personal and different. For me its life transforming, I can look people in the eye again, no longer shelter away and even my husband says he cannot believe the transformation and for sure my sparkle has returned, I started to laugh more and smile, yes even smile! I have so much more armor to be dropped, bit like an onion removing each layer but I know I am on my true path. Whilst each day I’m suffocated in photos of Yogis in my social media feeds looking like twiglets, upside down splits and positions I never knew the body can get in to, I don’t let it intimidate me, while I might not have the whole physical thing going on, practice by practice I push myself more and all I know its the magic is happening on the inside, the ‘outside’ will come later
I am learning to ‘be’ in the journey, enjoy the journey, as cliché as it sounds we all get so caught up in the destination we create our own chaos for the journey, just let things be and have trust and faith that everything will always be OK. For now all i know is that Yoga is my natural high and while ever i continue to practice the magic will continue to happen, I keep a journal with every experience noted in it, as well as the huge synchronicity which has come back into my life. My heart chakra has also re-opened and so much so I am contemplating signing up for some hands on work at an animal rescue once we have moved. As well as some other compassionate projects I have a yearn for.
*I can not thank Ragini enough for her wisdom knowledge and support as i discover Yoga. Ragini is such an inspiration. Very lucky to have her as my ‘ Yogi ‘
I didn’t want to tell anyone I was practicing yoga. Although now I’m happy to share.